Something of Myself
Thursday, May 20, 2004
I have been listening to MLTR lately tonight. MLTR and myself go a long way back...to the time when I was about 15 years of age - just grounding my feet in the teenage years. Vulnerable, rebellious and warmly open to every other missy I met. But this is about the first miss I met. It wasnt any love-at-first-sight. In fact, it started as an irrepressive (does any word exist like that?) crush. She was a bengali, easily 4-5 inches taller than me (so what, look at Sachin's wife, and Rushdie's latest wife?!), had a pretty face, intense eyes, gorgeous hair and fine sensibility. At least thats what I felt when I began to know her.
It was hard to approach her at first given the shy person I was back then! Did it, managed to ask her out, became friends and then finally told her that I was actually feeling as if I was falling in love with her. I told this to her after a year of knowing each other. I had known her inside-out by then. Or so I thought, of course I was a dumb-fuck and I was stupid and I was unschooled in the world of life.
Things didnt go on as I had thought. She met somebody. Loved him. He was handsome (come on its time I accept that!). But the thing I didnt like about him was that he treated women like toilet paper - use and throw! I knew it the first time I saw him. He was a good 10-11 years elder to her. But what mattered was that she loved him. She told me that she was sorry, that she couldnt resist him during the time that we were going around - steady and I was steeped in the height of that insrutable thing called "love". Huh!
Now when I look back I feel so stupid. I feel so dumb. Why couldnt I ever see that she wasnt ever in love with me? That it was more of a business relationship for her? Nah, me was naive dear, very naive...you could take a yard from me then and I wouldnt even probably blink! How very different I am NOW!
As I listen to MLTR those days flash by inside my head. A glimpse of her laughter, a glimpse of her tears, a glimpse of her innocence (that's what I construed it to be), a glimpse of the day she gave me my first valentine day's card, a glimpse of the card with a lady on the cover holding a bunch of roses to her bosom, a glimpse of the day she got lost amidst 100,000 people in the Nehru Stadium and I was left feeling like a holy-shit-what-will-happen-now, a glimpse of some of the lies that I told my parents for her and for me, a glimpse of the first time I actually managed to hold her hands, tightly yet in a soft manner, a glimpse of her smile...She was brilliant in singing. One of the songs she use to sing quite often for me was "Piya Bina" from Abhimaan. If you know it, you know its a difficult song to sing. She did it with ease and gracefulness. She dressed immaculately. She never spoke more than what was needed. She was even good at biology (my strong point during those days!). We used to solve Biology "test-papers" together and would time ourselves to see who would get there first! She beat me almost always, yes, she was that good!
It feels strange now. Sometimes I even feel lonely. Sometimes I wish she was here, I could just look at her and say, "Look I have made a beginning. Give me a chance. I think I can make it big. At least I dream big. We are what we dream after all." But she aint here and I am not even in touch with her. The last time I heard from her, she was working as a copywrighter in a big ad firm in Calcutta. I never thought she would get that far considering her erratic performances during her career. But she did. She always had a knack for surprising me. She did it when she took my breath away, she did it when I considered her to be my "girl-friend", and finally she did it when she became somebody else's girlfriend!
I just hope she is well. I hope she remembers me sometimes with a smile on her face. I hope I never meet her. I have too much inside of me that will force itself up the gut when I meet her. I dont want that. She doesnt deserve it. Nobody does. After all as Chris put it, with "acceptance comes a kind of tenderness - a feeling of the paths of individual activity and also of the unique gentleness with which the majority of people respond to each other and to the world in general."
Hell, its good to be ALIVE! Each day brings new hopes and new visions. What more could a man of twenty two years age ask for? Bring it on I say because my thirst is unquenchable. Didnt you know Ulysses is my ideal. He is the dude!
It was hard to approach her at first given the shy person I was back then! Did it, managed to ask her out, became friends and then finally told her that I was actually feeling as if I was falling in love with her. I told this to her after a year of knowing each other. I had known her inside-out by then. Or so I thought, of course I was a dumb-fuck and I was stupid and I was unschooled in the world of life.
Things didnt go on as I had thought. She met somebody. Loved him. He was handsome (come on its time I accept that!). But the thing I didnt like about him was that he treated women like toilet paper - use and throw! I knew it the first time I saw him. He was a good 10-11 years elder to her. But what mattered was that she loved him. She told me that she was sorry, that she couldnt resist him during the time that we were going around - steady and I was steeped in the height of that insrutable thing called "love". Huh!
Now when I look back I feel so stupid. I feel so dumb. Why couldnt I ever see that she wasnt ever in love with me? That it was more of a business relationship for her? Nah, me was naive dear, very naive...you could take a yard from me then and I wouldnt even probably blink! How very different I am NOW!
As I listen to MLTR those days flash by inside my head. A glimpse of her laughter, a glimpse of her tears, a glimpse of her innocence (that's what I construed it to be), a glimpse of the day she gave me my first valentine day's card, a glimpse of the card with a lady on the cover holding a bunch of roses to her bosom, a glimpse of the day she got lost amidst 100,000 people in the Nehru Stadium and I was left feeling like a holy-shit-what-will-happen-now, a glimpse of some of the lies that I told my parents for her and for me, a glimpse of the first time I actually managed to hold her hands, tightly yet in a soft manner, a glimpse of her smile...She was brilliant in singing. One of the songs she use to sing quite often for me was "Piya Bina" from Abhimaan. If you know it, you know its a difficult song to sing. She did it with ease and gracefulness. She dressed immaculately. She never spoke more than what was needed. She was even good at biology (my strong point during those days!). We used to solve Biology "test-papers" together and would time ourselves to see who would get there first! She beat me almost always, yes, she was that good!
It feels strange now. Sometimes I even feel lonely. Sometimes I wish she was here, I could just look at her and say, "Look I have made a beginning. Give me a chance. I think I can make it big. At least I dream big. We are what we dream after all." But she aint here and I am not even in touch with her. The last time I heard from her, she was working as a copywrighter in a big ad firm in Calcutta. I never thought she would get that far considering her erratic performances during her career. But she did. She always had a knack for surprising me. She did it when she took my breath away, she did it when I considered her to be my "girl-friend", and finally she did it when she became somebody else's girlfriend!
I just hope she is well. I hope she remembers me sometimes with a smile on her face. I hope I never meet her. I have too much inside of me that will force itself up the gut when I meet her. I dont want that. She doesnt deserve it. Nobody does. After all as Chris put it, with "acceptance comes a kind of tenderness - a feeling of the paths of individual activity and also of the unique gentleness with which the majority of people respond to each other and to the world in general."
Hell, its good to be ALIVE! Each day brings new hopes and new visions. What more could a man of twenty two years age ask for? Bring it on I say because my thirst is unquenchable. Didnt you know Ulysses is my ideal. He is the dude!
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