Something of Myself

Can we really trust people? How do you do it? After all, "Et tu Brutus?" aint that far away? You live a life like a cocooned butterfly...come out of it now and then...face the world: dirty, mysterious, filthy, gloomy, choking, stiffling and then suddenly you realise that you are running out of breath. All the people whom who had trusted: unselfishly - they come running towards you. You are oblivious of their approach. Like a moth attracted to the flame you move towards them - to embrace them with open arms and they hug you, love you, lick your wounds and then stab them! Stab it where it hurts the most. You cry but they get some sadistic pleasure out of it. You keep thinking, what did you do wrong? Was it your fault that you actually had the temerity to trust someone? How does it feel to be betrayed? Somebody once said that to be betrayed you got to belong. What if you dont belong and still get that betrayed feeling? What then? How do you feel? What runs through your brains? Are you left incapable of thinking? Or feeling? Immuned? Do you have a heart? Does it beat? Does it just pump blood?

Why do we trust others? Why do we need to put our faith in somebody else? Why do we have to share our secrets with people? Ordinary people. Sometimes I feel that I just want to be alone in this big, big world. Ekla. Akela. Loner. But it takes a lot of guts to shy away from everybody - to push them away from you. I have tried it sometimes. Succeeded at times. Failed a lot of times. Dont know why. And it hurts to tell yourself that you have just been proven the biggest motherfucker ever born! HA HA Looks like I got to get back to my old self - the one who found pleasure in pain, grin born out of pain! You need a really sarcastic vision of the world to be that way. You need to tell yourself that nobody in this world is WORTHY of being trusted. Why cant I learn? I have heard it from baba and ma but look at me! Even Krishna told Arjun to betray Karan. Kill him now He said. This is the moment. Arjun stepped back. Krishna was adamant. Trouble is I aint no Arjun dude! And there is no Krishna who is my sarathi!

Life goes on. You win some, you lose some, says Percy. But in the process you keep collecting this dirt, and end up with a heap of broken images! And then one day, you sit down in front of the heap and you try to figure out your history, the place where it all started. The task then seems enormous. After all how can you trace the histories of innumerable betrayals? Insults born out of jealousy. Hurt inflicted out of anger. All curiously mixed, like with some magic potion. Sometimes I wish life was like a slate and I had this magic sponge. One wipe and the slate is as good as new to write over again. Something like a palimpsest. Erasure and Beginning. One after the other. But life is not like that. Its like a Big Mac - a layer over the other - deliciously tempting, but junky in nature, causing havoc to your system. Trouble is with so much advertisement around, you can't resist it. Life's like that - too many ads, too much marketing, too much soul-searching, too bloody business like! Why cant it be like poetry? A cumulative experience leading to liberty? Or perhaps a Shakesperean play? Well it is like that sometimes - tragedy, comedy and of course a bit of sex! We are Thorn Birds after all. I am. I know it will hurt me but I will sit on it, let the thorn enter the insides of my heart, let my heart bleed and then I will sing a song - one last song, but the best one that I have ever sung in my entire life! Yes, I am a thorn bird. The legend is true. I am living it.