Something of Myself

I am thinking of you today. Since morning, I have been smelling you. It's past midnight now, and I know you must be asleep but I wanted to tell you that I remembered you.

I think I grieve you better these days. I do not break down. I do not falter. I do not miss steps. I do not skip beats. I just carry on, with an infinite longing tucked underneath the bottom-right valve. I feel a sudden throbbing pain in my chest of late. No, not where the heart is. On the other side. It's probably just acidity.

You remember the last poem you wrote? Describing yourself, and our relationship. I do not have it with me, but the lines ring in my head. I remember you.

They said with time, your farewell would be easy to make sense of; it never happened. It is as green as it ever was. I tried explaining this to one of my mates the other day and she did not fully understand. She kept saying, 'It's over. Get over it!'

I wonder if they will ever understand. The meaning of being loved. The meaning of being cared for. The meaning of being in a relationship devoid of selfishness, of self-fulfilment, of things beyond flesh and blood. They see you in my poems that I hardly show. They see you in my real self that I hardly show. They hardly know you. They don't even know me. How will they understand?

Will they ever know why I never smoke a cigarette until the very end?

Will they ever know why I still buy gifts for you?

Will they ever know why the first toast of the evening is always for you?

Will they ever find out how we were? How we still converse? How I can still hear you? How your dreams leap into my mind? How my pains swim across to your being and then comes back to me, relieved and empty?

Question is, do they need to? I am happy with you, and so are you. Nobody will understand the pain we have inflicted on each other. The half-baked lies we have told each other. They will remain with us. And someday when my epitaph is being written, I will visit you and have a large peg of Glenn Malt. Keep the crystal glasses ready. It will be a costly affair!