Something of Myself
Friday, October 14, 2005
Emptiness inside
Feeling lost today. Can you miss someone without really knowing that person? I guess you can miss the idea of being with that person...What it would be like...the idea of togetherness...the idea of companionship...friendship...feelings...emotions...yeah, my punctuation is going to be f***** up today...What's the point? Courtesy? To tell your reader where to pause, to hand hold her and take her through your mind...your wandering...your filth...
Spoke to Percy last night. After ages. Raised toast to Bijoya. As always. Every year. Rum and Coke. Tradition.
It's funny how we feel that if so-and-so were here, things would be so great, easier...But it's probably not the case..Things perhaps would be the way they are right now...just that it would be more bearable...My resistance would be more...The drive to resist would be greater...The shock of ordinariness would be lesser...
What can a person at the last leg of her life desire? Can memories be uprooted? Can beginnings be made? Can betrayals be vindicated? Passion re-ignited? Mistakes corrected?
My mind is the thing I love most. My mind is the thing I hate most. I wish I didn't have a mind of my own. I wish there were people whom I knew. I wish loneliness was unreal. I wish I could just think straight. I wish I could be focused.
Instead, the thoughts wander, here and there...like a meander...like the trail of blood left behind by the dying soldier...trail and then the pool...dark...red...
Feeling lost today. Can you miss someone without really knowing that person? I guess you can miss the idea of being with that person...What it would be like...the idea of togetherness...the idea of companionship...friendship...feelings...emotions...yeah, my punctuation is going to be f***** up today...What's the point? Courtesy? To tell your reader where to pause, to hand hold her and take her through your mind...your wandering...your filth...
Spoke to Percy last night. After ages. Raised toast to Bijoya. As always. Every year. Rum and Coke. Tradition.
It's funny how we feel that if so-and-so were here, things would be so great, easier...But it's probably not the case..Things perhaps would be the way they are right now...just that it would be more bearable...My resistance would be more...The drive to resist would be greater...The shock of ordinariness would be lesser...
What can a person at the last leg of her life desire? Can memories be uprooted? Can beginnings be made? Can betrayals be vindicated? Passion re-ignited? Mistakes corrected?
My mind is the thing I love most. My mind is the thing I hate most. I wish I didn't have a mind of my own. I wish there were people whom I knew. I wish loneliness was unreal. I wish I could just think straight. I wish I could be focused.
Instead, the thoughts wander, here and there...like a meander...like the trail of blood left behind by the dying soldier...trail and then the pool...dark...red...
7 Comments:
dont say last leg of her life like that ...
its just idea's that we long for - inverted ghosts: shadows of the future, or of our dreams, our imaginings. or echoes and footprints of past. of lives lived. things felt.
we look back, and dream forward, from here, where we are frozen ...
we look at each others mourning and marvel at the diff sounds of our cries and diff shapes of our tears ... but in the end theres only one fact that remains ... death the lowest common denominator and an end: of all that was and could have been, of all we were and could have been, and wont be, nay, will not allow ourselves to be, ever, ever again.
thank you for this prero. beautifully written. and as usual, poignant (can't help it, it's my favourite word and the one that i ALWAYS think of when i read your stuff). curiously, it reminds me of shantaram. dont know if u have read it. will get the quote that i am thinking of tomorrow. until then, take care.
belz
no. havent read.
like i've told u before, little one, words like 'poignant' dont wear well ... frequant re-use makes them sound corny
i'm sorry. i guess i'm just a nasty and cranky and vitriolic. like a bitter old man who's been a gatekeeper at the further outpost of the fortress walls for way to long ... strong, lonely and frozen
No, it's alright. Nothing to be apologetic about. No issues.
I understand.
Belz
p.s. like the gatekeeper imagery. wonder whose fortress you are guarding? your own?
"to hand hold her and take her through your mind..."
i've always wanted to be able to do that to ppl...
It's incredibly arduous. Don't you think? Keep trying mate, just keep trying... :)
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