Something of Myself
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Words?!
Bhalo thakish.
Bhalo kore khaash.
Have faith on me. Have faith on God.
Be good.
I am first class.
No problem.
I have cut down on my cigarettes. I promised you.
Give me some more time.
I will live for you.
It's incredible how words haunt you. How words mean so much more than the human being. How words remain long after the person is there, no more. How words are the only sensorial thing that you can experience. How they add up to your memories. How they fuel your desire. How they remind you of the years that you spent together. Hand holding. Soul searching. New learnings. Overcoming.
The other day I recorded one of his conversations that was there on the answer machine. It's unbelievable: his sense of devotion, his belief in the unforseen powers, his dedication towards his loved ones, his professionalism, his neat dissection of his private and public self. That's all that remains today.
The other day I was speaking to a brother of mine who knew him. He said he remembered him so fondly. He said he could be so open with him. He said he was a very 'my dear' kind of a man. And while saying all this and more, his eyes welled up. You could see the lump in his throat.
The other day I saw him in my dreams. The same old pajama, panjabi - little shorter than the present day ones. Buttons on the cuff. Nehru collared. White. Transcluscent. Khadi. Khadder. Dash of Old Spice. Italian glasses. Longines. Johnson and Johnson's Egg Shampoo. Bata. Pity, he didn't say anything. Stood there. Silent. Pregnant eyes. He was just expecting that I would know what he wants to say, what he always wanted to say...
I can only hear his words. Constantly. Driving me crazy. Making me angry at myself. For I let him down, when he needed me the most.
Bhalo thakish.
Bhalo kore khaash.
Have faith on me. Have faith on God.
Be good.
I am first class.
No problem.
I have cut down on my cigarettes. I promised you.
Give me some more time.
I will live for you.
It's incredible how words haunt you. How words mean so much more than the human being. How words remain long after the person is there, no more. How words are the only sensorial thing that you can experience. How they add up to your memories. How they fuel your desire. How they remind you of the years that you spent together. Hand holding. Soul searching. New learnings. Overcoming.
The other day I recorded one of his conversations that was there on the answer machine. It's unbelievable: his sense of devotion, his belief in the unforseen powers, his dedication towards his loved ones, his professionalism, his neat dissection of his private and public self. That's all that remains today.
The other day I was speaking to a brother of mine who knew him. He said he remembered him so fondly. He said he could be so open with him. He said he was a very 'my dear' kind of a man. And while saying all this and more, his eyes welled up. You could see the lump in his throat.
The other day I saw him in my dreams. The same old pajama, panjabi - little shorter than the present day ones. Buttons on the cuff. Nehru collared. White. Transcluscent. Khadi. Khadder. Dash of Old Spice. Italian glasses. Longines. Johnson and Johnson's Egg Shampoo. Bata. Pity, he didn't say anything. Stood there. Silent. Pregnant eyes. He was just expecting that I would know what he wants to say, what he always wanted to say...
I can only hear his words. Constantly. Driving me crazy. Making me angry at myself. For I let him down, when he needed me the most.
9 Comments:
there was a time when i felt like i agreed with you abt a lot of things and cud identify with the way u thought ... nowadays i feel like i dont even know where ur coming from ... i definitely dont agree with the way u feel abt anything and usually cant identify either ... but then it doesnt matter
and, get rid of the spellcheck
:O Great. That's one more person to the list of people who 'dont agree with the way' I 'feel about anything'. Thanks.
Pele my first time here...what an awesome blog u have.
I felt sad reading this post...very well-written - to spark emotions in the soul of the reader. Somehow it reminded me of my dad who died very young. I totally agree with how u feel, cos I feel that 24/7...the void that's left, the memories that haunt...
thank u Pele for putting words into my feelings...
Keshi.
Prerona...
**nowadays i feel like i dont even know where ur coming from
is it because u havent gone through such an experience?
Keshi.
Keshi,
Thank you for your kind words and for dropping by. :)
i love the way you write. you are truly gifted.
how true - words are the only thing that remain with you.they inspire you.haunt you. i have not experienced what you have but i understand how it feels to lose someone who means so much. the very thought scares me.
i appreciate your courage. am sure he feels proud to see you today. as you said you know what he wants to say. what he always wanted to say. listen to him. he does not say that you let him down. dont let him down now. he still needs you. he needs to see you happy. he needs to see his dreams for you come true. and like his words he is a part of you. your life. live up for him.
Yeah anonymous, trying...Glad that you liked the post. Thank you for visiting.
touching...
"How they add up to your memories"
so very true
Thank you.
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