Something of Myself
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Dis-connected Thoughts
It makes sense to hold back sometimes. I have always found an uneasy comfort in holding back; in masking the truth. This of course, does not mean that one lies, but, just that the truth is masked. A layer in front, layers beneath - we need onioned lives after all! Who knows how many years it will take to uncover each and every layer to get to the core of myself. Something of Myself.
These times are strange, a sense of deja vu. Familiarly unfamiliar. Fear of the unknown. Terra Incognito. I will be home soon. I become the place where I live in, and I find it incredibly difficult to reconcile the differences. How often can I change one's self? Something of Myself.
I would have to do so much in so little time. Promises sprinkled all over the city, for I do not wish to disappoint anyone. But then again, promises are usually associated with disappointment. I feel guilty when I let someone down. I feel burdened when I have to surrender because I had said so. Why do words weigh so much on my self? Something of Myself.
I feel tired. I need to hide. I do not want to drink. I want to sit on the highest peak of some mountain range, and just breathe. That would give me a sense of peace. Lying on the grass, watching the sky, saving my eyes from the sweet sunshine, I know I would be able to decide what is it that I want for my self. Something of Myself.
There was a time when I was academically obsessed with the idea of 'identity.' Auden's muse stirred me inside, but in a cathartic way. Then I became obsessed with 'death'. I wanted to know everything about it. The whys and the whats and the hows. Today, I am obsessed with finding a quiet place, empty of feelings, devoid of passions, and just full of tranquility. I am searching for it, constantly, with the belief that soon, very soon, I shall identify the spot, the Bodhi tree, the shade, the calm breeze, the smell of red soil, rain and then finally, a consciousness that drives my being, my inner self. Something of Myself.
It makes sense to hold back sometimes. I have always found an uneasy comfort in holding back; in masking the truth. This of course, does not mean that one lies, but, just that the truth is masked. A layer in front, layers beneath - we need onioned lives after all! Who knows how many years it will take to uncover each and every layer to get to the core of myself. Something of Myself.
These times are strange, a sense of deja vu. Familiarly unfamiliar. Fear of the unknown. Terra Incognito. I will be home soon. I become the place where I live in, and I find it incredibly difficult to reconcile the differences. How often can I change one's self? Something of Myself.
I would have to do so much in so little time. Promises sprinkled all over the city, for I do not wish to disappoint anyone. But then again, promises are usually associated with disappointment. I feel guilty when I let someone down. I feel burdened when I have to surrender because I had said so. Why do words weigh so much on my self? Something of Myself.
I feel tired. I need to hide. I do not want to drink. I want to sit on the highest peak of some mountain range, and just breathe. That would give me a sense of peace. Lying on the grass, watching the sky, saving my eyes from the sweet sunshine, I know I would be able to decide what is it that I want for my self. Something of Myself.
There was a time when I was academically obsessed with the idea of 'identity.' Auden's muse stirred me inside, but in a cathartic way. Then I became obsessed with 'death'. I wanted to know everything about it. The whys and the whats and the hows. Today, I am obsessed with finding a quiet place, empty of feelings, devoid of passions, and just full of tranquility. I am searching for it, constantly, with the belief that soon, very soon, I shall identify the spot, the Bodhi tree, the shade, the calm breeze, the smell of red soil, rain and then finally, a consciousness that drives my being, my inner self. Something of Myself.
2 Comments:
I agree Pele, sometimes we mask our emotions, our real self and be what others want us to be. Although, we might deceive others, we can never betray our inner self, which yearns to break free. It’s difficult to know what we want from life, but once you know it, have the courage to go for it. After all, only a few can live their dreams, only a few...
Hmm. :-) Thanks for this. I love the last line of your comment. Something numbing about it.
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