Something of Myself
Monday, July 02, 2007
It was not as if it could not have been. It clearly could have. But then, life is often determined not by the choices we make, but the lack of it. At least that's what he was thinking as he was driving from Calcutta towards her place. He was to meet the parents today. After dating her for 11 years, surely it would be the most natural thing to do (given the Indian socio-cultural psyche)...But there was something in the air...some odd smell, the chilly wind perhaps, or may be the conversation that he had with her just before leaving...something, inexplicable that made him look within and ask if he really wanted to do this.
* * *
She could not stop weeping. She had just sold off her place at Warwick. The money ensured that she paid off her car loan and got the tickets to fly to Mumbai. Love makes you do strange things and this was one of them. How else could you explain the desire to give up everything, move away from friends and family to arrive at the doorstep of the man who claimed to have loved you for the last 6 months or so. They said, it was too early to take such a drastic step, to uproot oneself...She had never listened to them because for her, he mattered the most. His being in Mumbai or Timbuctoo would make no difference. That said, after boarding the aircraft, and just before switching off her phone, she received a text from him which did not sound too right...some odd smell, the chilly tone perhaps, or may be the growing, unseen distance between the two...something, inexplicable that made her look within and ask if she really wanted this flight to take off!
* * *
It was almost certain - divorce was inevitable. Even according to their lawyers, they were 'mutually incompatible.' Living under the same roof, or sharing the bed was no longer an option. It had to be this way. It hurt but then so often does life. She got off the cab - wiping away the tear that escaped the lower rim of her dark sunglasses...Yes, it was true that he made a stupid mistake...a one night stand that should have crawled away before sunlight...but still deep inside, she did not want to lose him. His defense pissed her off! How can you defend adultery? Like he said, 'you can't make an omlette with your dick in your trousers', can you? As she walked past the chai stalls, she felt a sudden moment of paralysis...something, inexplicable that made her look within and ask if a legal piece of paper would severe a 16 year old bond - if this could re-write the name of her son's father - if she really wanted to sign on the dotted line.
* * *
Moments like these exist in one's lifetime - when you have promised yourself something, living in the belief of the strongest belief you've known; nurturing the hangover of a dream, inching towards making it a reality and then that very dream, that very desire, that very belief takes a beating. You wonder then if life is really about the choices we make, or the lack of it.
* * *
She could not stop weeping. She had just sold off her place at Warwick. The money ensured that she paid off her car loan and got the tickets to fly to Mumbai. Love makes you do strange things and this was one of them. How else could you explain the desire to give up everything, move away from friends and family to arrive at the doorstep of the man who claimed to have loved you for the last 6 months or so. They said, it was too early to take such a drastic step, to uproot oneself...She had never listened to them because for her, he mattered the most. His being in Mumbai or Timbuctoo would make no difference. That said, after boarding the aircraft, and just before switching off her phone, she received a text from him which did not sound too right...some odd smell, the chilly tone perhaps, or may be the growing, unseen distance between the two...something, inexplicable that made her look within and ask if she really wanted this flight to take off!
* * *
It was almost certain - divorce was inevitable. Even according to their lawyers, they were 'mutually incompatible.' Living under the same roof, or sharing the bed was no longer an option. It had to be this way. It hurt but then so often does life. She got off the cab - wiping away the tear that escaped the lower rim of her dark sunglasses...Yes, it was true that he made a stupid mistake...a one night stand that should have crawled away before sunlight...but still deep inside, she did not want to lose him. His defense pissed her off! How can you defend adultery? Like he said, 'you can't make an omlette with your dick in your trousers', can you? As she walked past the chai stalls, she felt a sudden moment of paralysis...something, inexplicable that made her look within and ask if a legal piece of paper would severe a 16 year old bond - if this could re-write the name of her son's father - if she really wanted to sign on the dotted line.
* * *
Moments like these exist in one's lifetime - when you have promised yourself something, living in the belief of the strongest belief you've known; nurturing the hangover of a dream, inching towards making it a reality and then that very dream, that very desire, that very belief takes a beating. You wonder then if life is really about the choices we make, or the lack of it.
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