Something of Myself
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Haunting is what Past is.
I have tried so hard. You weren't meant to be here, now, at this moment. But you are. I had put you away in the farthest corner of my brain and you keep coming back! Some shirts that I wear remind me of you, some songs I hear remind me of your moves, the after-shave reminds me of your intense hatred for it...thousand miles apart you still haunt me! I don't even know where you are today, what you do for a living - are you alive? Sometimes I fear that you are dead. Burned. Reduced to ashes. And then...I hope you are not. I hope you are still living.
Your existence is very important to me not because I miss you or anything but because I want to show you what I am without you. No more lonely nights. No more fears of deception. I played the role that you wanted me to. I am done with my part. Now I want to see how you play your role.
Sometimes I fear that when I will be walking on the Calcutta roads, I will bump into you - shocked and with the steady rise of the bile I won't be able to smile. I might even see through you. Will I be able to do that, I wonder. Can I do what you did to me?
My mind wants to. My soul refuses.
You must be alright. Just leave me alone. These memories are worse than nictotine, worse than the burning feeling that I experience when I flush my mouth with a double shot of Black Label. It all began in an effort to wipe you away. I wanted a tide that would wash away the words you had written on the sand.
The ocean is dry.
I have tried so hard. You weren't meant to be here, now, at this moment. But you are. I had put you away in the farthest corner of my brain and you keep coming back! Some shirts that I wear remind me of you, some songs I hear remind me of your moves, the after-shave reminds me of your intense hatred for it...thousand miles apart you still haunt me! I don't even know where you are today, what you do for a living - are you alive? Sometimes I fear that you are dead. Burned. Reduced to ashes. And then...I hope you are not. I hope you are still living.
Your existence is very important to me not because I miss you or anything but because I want to show you what I am without you. No more lonely nights. No more fears of deception. I played the role that you wanted me to. I am done with my part. Now I want to see how you play your role.
Sometimes I fear that when I will be walking on the Calcutta roads, I will bump into you - shocked and with the steady rise of the bile I won't be able to smile. I might even see through you. Will I be able to do that, I wonder. Can I do what you did to me?
My mind wants to. My soul refuses.
You must be alright. Just leave me alone. These memories are worse than nictotine, worse than the burning feeling that I experience when I flush my mouth with a double shot of Black Label. It all began in an effort to wipe you away. I wanted a tide that would wash away the words you had written on the sand.
The ocean is dry.
6 Comments:
The best way to leave the past is face it. Face her , Confront her and give it a closure for your peace of mind. I know some people are not worth confronting but you are worth confronting them.
It's all about perspectives, life aisa hi hain sahib.
Take Care Pelu :) ;)
Who told you its "her"? I mean, I could be gay! ;) But anyways, thank you for your comment. I kind of agree with it but I have just convinced myself to look at RK right now - so can't afford to think about these things at the moment...but we will talk about it when we meet. Take care.
p.s. meri billi mujhei meow?? :)
let it go. we can never be free till we stop holding on to the prison door. we love our prisons. we build our prisons. let go. free ur mind ...
but sometimes trying to forget is like trying to diet ... and the memories drift in to ur mind like the smells of food drift in the air, steal into a room and dance around uncatchable
well its easy to give gyaan and bhaat ... but you me will play with words just to feel them run through the hands ... bikele phone korbo
Prero - I SO agree with what you said: "but you me will play with words just to feel them run through the hands." :) It's ok. Thank you for your insightful comments. But sometimes, even when you want to do something really badly, it doesn't happen - it's kind of inexplicable, intangible - its like the Greek Daemons and when they come, you drift away and obey. Helplessly.
what im curious about is ... does a little part u (and me) welcome it when it does wander back ... do we enjoy our melancholy, as well as our driven work, mindless play and burstingwithsunshine good moods, whenthey come?
If you mean Thorn Birds, then yes I do. :)
It's like the scene in Fight Club where Pitt pours acid on the hands of Norton and the latter goes berserk - crying in agony and Pitt says - Look, enjoy this moment of pain (or something like that)...
Well, life is not always like a Fight Club. It would be good though, if it were...I like the idea. :)
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