Something of Myself
Monday, September 13, 2004
Wasteland
I will show you fear in a handful of dust - TS Eliot, "The Wasteland."
Do we need to fear "something" or "someone"? Or can we just fear fear itself?
The fear that a child experiences when he loses sight of his parents in the crowded streets of London...Fear of the unfamiliar. Fear of loss. The fear that a man experiences when he is about to die - he sees glimpses of his life, faces of his beloved ones, faces, terrible faces, beautiful faces...and he doesn't want to die. Death seems to him to be the worst part of life (if it is a part of life) and he fears it - the absolute gut wrenching fear, the throat dries up, the inner walls of the stomach cramp and the blood vessels swell up. These are cases where people fear something.
Then there are those who have lived in fear - fear of not knowing whether they will live to see tomorrow; fear of not knowing whether tomorrow they will get to eat supper; in short - fear of the future. And that fear is so deeply ingrained in them that they begin to fear fear itself. The very experience, the pump of the adrenalin, the palpitation of the heart, the expansion of the pupil, the rapid breathing - they fears that - the experience of fear.
I have known Fear through a very intimate relationship that we share. Having known each other for years, sometimes I am oblivious to the fact that he is here, right here, right now as I punch-in the keys, standing right behind me like a scene out of a Hitchcock movie - the older version, deathly stillness and this time without any background music.
I wait patiently for him to go away. I don't treat him. I don't ignore him but of course, I am aware of his presence. It's raining outside right now. Drops on the leaves, drip, drip, drubb...The street outside is empty. The drunkards have gone home, all the shouting is over, music no more. Only fear and me. Me and Fear.
How conscious is Fear of me? Can he see me too? Is he bothered about my presence too? Have I intruded in his private time? Can I ask for forgiveness?
Does Fear have a memory? Or does it just exist in present, real-time.
Now here, now gone, now over, never coming back again....Does my memory permit Fear? If so, why? Am I Human or am I just one of a kind - mankind, womankind and fearkind.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust - TS Eliot, "The Wasteland."
Do we need to fear "something" or "someone"? Or can we just fear fear itself?
The fear that a child experiences when he loses sight of his parents in the crowded streets of London...Fear of the unfamiliar. Fear of loss. The fear that a man experiences when he is about to die - he sees glimpses of his life, faces of his beloved ones, faces, terrible faces, beautiful faces...and he doesn't want to die. Death seems to him to be the worst part of life (if it is a part of life) and he fears it - the absolute gut wrenching fear, the throat dries up, the inner walls of the stomach cramp and the blood vessels swell up. These are cases where people fear something.
Then there are those who have lived in fear - fear of not knowing whether they will live to see tomorrow; fear of not knowing whether tomorrow they will get to eat supper; in short - fear of the future. And that fear is so deeply ingrained in them that they begin to fear fear itself. The very experience, the pump of the adrenalin, the palpitation of the heart, the expansion of the pupil, the rapid breathing - they fears that - the experience of fear.
I have known Fear through a very intimate relationship that we share. Having known each other for years, sometimes I am oblivious to the fact that he is here, right here, right now as I punch-in the keys, standing right behind me like a scene out of a Hitchcock movie - the older version, deathly stillness and this time without any background music.
I wait patiently for him to go away. I don't treat him. I don't ignore him but of course, I am aware of his presence. It's raining outside right now. Drops on the leaves, drip, drip, drubb...The street outside is empty. The drunkards have gone home, all the shouting is over, music no more. Only fear and me. Me and Fear.
How conscious is Fear of me? Can he see me too? Is he bothered about my presence too? Have I intruded in his private time? Can I ask for forgiveness?
Does Fear have a memory? Or does it just exist in present, real-time.
Now here, now gone, now over, never coming back again....Does my memory permit Fear? If so, why? Am I Human or am I just one of a kind - mankind, womankind and fearkind.
6 Comments:
brilliant. read the last two posts and liked them much. when do you get back? mail me when poss. love, pre
Thank you. Pleased to know that you enjoyed reading it. I am not back until the 27th of next month; will mail you tonight. Take care... :)
Hi Pele,
You might be my grandson, but since my only grandson is 3 months old, you will serve for now. We have much in common, but in fact the whole human race has much in common, if we can realize it. You have much in common with people from two worlds; that makes you a fairly rare specimen, what we call a hybrid. You are capable of realizing the best of two worlds. Don't let go of your love for English lit; you will have time for it if you want it.
Re whiskey: great parties, but they are all escapes from a more delightful intimacy possible for people with all their sensibilities tuned.
I will continue to follow your career with interest. BTW I was in Calcutta in 1944. Remember just a few impressions: really traumatic to see the dozens of villages from the deck of the ship going up the river-- and contemplate the idea that they were farmers of maybe 1/8 acre. Then in Calcutta:
the burning ghats. Oh my!
Then the rich man's house, full of European art treasurers, who fed 100 beggars every day.
Re fear: love overcomes it, and so does faith. I try to believe that the universe is beneficent, with some corrolaries.
Carry on, my friend.
Hey! I just stumbled upon your blog after repeated clicks on "Next Blog >>". It seems we have much in common, ie - studying english (altho I'm still in undergrad) being bengali and sagittarians (!!) which means you can't be that bad a fellow -- so I thought I'd say hello :)
Larry - Thank you for your kind words and your interest in my blog and my career. Must confess that it feels a bit surreal but I guess that's part of living in today's world. Calcutta 1944?!!!!! OMG. I need to hear more from you on this and more (I mean, I got to know my grandpa well, right?). Not too well right now, down with a Calcutta viral (The Anti-biotics are a killer)...will write soon.
GoBgoB - Sagi, Bengali and enjoys English - bring it on! Yeh Dil Maange More....Hope to hear from you soon...or should I email you at your yahoo id? Janiyo. :)
Hey! You can e-mail me at ipshikid@hotmail.com, ar amar blog-ao dhoo marte paro http://ipsitar.blogspot.com
Hope you feel better soon! (chocolate always helps, the darker the better)
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