Something of Myself
Monday, January 15, 2007
Know Thyself
Ever since my school days, I developed a fondness for the phrase - 'Know Thyself'. As with any other individual, I have been through the waves and the tides, the highs and the lows and I have forever made an effort to delve deep inside the inner being that sits, crouched, stunted by the hand of Fate.
I have realized that I have grown up to become two distinct individuals in one. Therein lies my fascination for the Janus God. One head towards the past, one towards the future. The thing that you see at the outside is the one that is looking forward - determined, self-willed, ambitious, and daring. The one that you do not see is tired, forlorn, old, weak in heart and strong in will. Both collide melodramatically, often leaving me suspended in a state of disbelief. In more ways than one, the outer being is the one that has become and is becoming. The inner, formed; stable, contended, fulfilled and wise.
I don't know if I will ever be able to know myself. This blog became a tool to that end. This became a space where different me(s) struggle and fight valiantly to kill each other to seek an unified vision of myself. Something of Myself.
It is not as bleak as it sounds to be. Amidst the pain, the battles that we fight everyday, I think there is so much to learn in this life that remorse and regret play tug-of-war for every inch. On good days, I have smiled because I believe that is the only way to move on. On bad days, I have searched for reasons for the loss I incurred. On good days, I have forgotten myself, my identity, and drank life to the lees, following words from one place to another - in search of something permanent. On good days, I made an attempt to understand the why(s); on bad days, I kept questioning why not?! On good days, his laughter made me fall in love with him, again and again and again; on bad days, I wondered why I turned a blind eye on his caustic indulgences.
I am constantly learning. Trying to learn more and more in a very short time. Perhaps that's why He has made such a man out of an infant child. Perhaps that's why I am what I am - a bundle of contradictions, sensations, ambitions, and aberrations.
The journey has just begun. Just when you blinked and started reading this line. Yes, that fine moment that goes un-noticed million times a day, that is when I begin to search and reconcile the selves that live in me. Yes, that is where I become a part of you. Unknowingly. Unwantingly. Unashamedly.
Ever since my school days, I developed a fondness for the phrase - 'Know Thyself'. As with any other individual, I have been through the waves and the tides, the highs and the lows and I have forever made an effort to delve deep inside the inner being that sits, crouched, stunted by the hand of Fate.
I have realized that I have grown up to become two distinct individuals in one. Therein lies my fascination for the Janus God. One head towards the past, one towards the future. The thing that you see at the outside is the one that is looking forward - determined, self-willed, ambitious, and daring. The one that you do not see is tired, forlorn, old, weak in heart and strong in will. Both collide melodramatically, often leaving me suspended in a state of disbelief. In more ways than one, the outer being is the one that has become and is becoming. The inner, formed; stable, contended, fulfilled and wise.
I don't know if I will ever be able to know myself. This blog became a tool to that end. This became a space where different me(s) struggle and fight valiantly to kill each other to seek an unified vision of myself. Something of Myself.
It is not as bleak as it sounds to be. Amidst the pain, the battles that we fight everyday, I think there is so much to learn in this life that remorse and regret play tug-of-war for every inch. On good days, I have smiled because I believe that is the only way to move on. On bad days, I have searched for reasons for the loss I incurred. On good days, I have forgotten myself, my identity, and drank life to the lees, following words from one place to another - in search of something permanent. On good days, I made an attempt to understand the why(s); on bad days, I kept questioning why not?! On good days, his laughter made me fall in love with him, again and again and again; on bad days, I wondered why I turned a blind eye on his caustic indulgences.
I am constantly learning. Trying to learn more and more in a very short time. Perhaps that's why He has made such a man out of an infant child. Perhaps that's why I am what I am - a bundle of contradictions, sensations, ambitions, and aberrations.
The journey has just begun. Just when you blinked and started reading this line. Yes, that fine moment that goes un-noticed million times a day, that is when I begin to search and reconcile the selves that live in me. Yes, that is where I become a part of you. Unknowingly. Unwantingly. Unashamedly.
2 Comments:
Good one! It definately echos sentiments of many confussed people like me, who are constantly trying to search for the "real me". I hope u are getting what i mean.
Typos 'walking dream', typos! ;-) I know what you mean. Thanks for dropping by. :-)
Post a Comment
<< Home