Something of Myself
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
What do you do when you greatest fear comes alive? You duck? You refuse to see it? You face it?
What if things weren't this way? What if happy endings made way into our lives from the pages of fairy tales? What if the road to Rome went to Paris? What if the road less travelled led to nowhere? That makes sense, doesn't it? The road less traveled is because it does not lead anywhere. Dumbo!
After having won you tell me that it does not matter. I was fighting the damn battle for you. And now it does not matter? I could have spent my time otherwise then...
How easy for you to shrug your shoulders, how trying for me to try and shrug! How easy for you to own up to yourself, how trying for you to include me! How easy for you to make plans excluding me, how trying for me to keep you out! How easy for you to say he is yours, how trying for me to let go off him! How easy for you to say she don't matter, how trying for me to reconcile the differences! How easy it is to widen the crack, how difficult it is to conceal! How easy to turn around and pretend to sleep, how difficult to cry silently.
I do not where to look now. Which way, except inside. Inside takes me away from you. I hate looking inside. I want to run on auto mode. Being on auto mode makes me happy.
Someone once told me that wisdom was to be found in silence. Silence irks me. Silence intrigues me. Silence gets on to me. Silence is not me. I am not me. Not this me.
* * *
Now onto some sunshine stuff. And I am stuck at wondering what to write or where to look for inspiration? Life's been slotted into a routine. I hate routine. And as He would have it, spontaneity is a luxury I cannot afford. Why, I hear you asking me? Because the risk-taker in me died long time back. Then, I had the fire in my belly - now I don't. Or may be it's dormant. I don't know.
I wonder what I should do. Will the Hills help? Can friends be trusted? I am looking around for that one moment when I can be myself and let myself loose. Unleash the monster in me. Bring out the kid. Bugger the man. But where? when? and most importantly, in front of whom? The lines echo in my head - 'Ke more phirabe onador e/ ke more dakibe kaache...'
I tell myself in these times, that this too will pass. Just that, I don't how the wind will smell when it finally blows the pieces away...will it rain? When?
What if things weren't this way? What if happy endings made way into our lives from the pages of fairy tales? What if the road to Rome went to Paris? What if the road less travelled led to nowhere? That makes sense, doesn't it? The road less traveled is because it does not lead anywhere. Dumbo!
After having won you tell me that it does not matter. I was fighting the damn battle for you. And now it does not matter? I could have spent my time otherwise then...
How easy for you to shrug your shoulders, how trying for me to try and shrug! How easy for you to own up to yourself, how trying for you to include me! How easy for you to make plans excluding me, how trying for me to keep you out! How easy for you to say he is yours, how trying for me to let go off him! How easy for you to say she don't matter, how trying for me to reconcile the differences! How easy it is to widen the crack, how difficult it is to conceal! How easy to turn around and pretend to sleep, how difficult to cry silently.
I do not where to look now. Which way, except inside. Inside takes me away from you. I hate looking inside. I want to run on auto mode. Being on auto mode makes me happy.
Someone once told me that wisdom was to be found in silence. Silence irks me. Silence intrigues me. Silence gets on to me. Silence is not me. I am not me. Not this me.
* * *
Now onto some sunshine stuff. And I am stuck at wondering what to write or where to look for inspiration? Life's been slotted into a routine. I hate routine. And as He would have it, spontaneity is a luxury I cannot afford. Why, I hear you asking me? Because the risk-taker in me died long time back. Then, I had the fire in my belly - now I don't. Or may be it's dormant. I don't know.
I wonder what I should do. Will the Hills help? Can friends be trusted? I am looking around for that one moment when I can be myself and let myself loose. Unleash the monster in me. Bring out the kid. Bugger the man. But where? when? and most importantly, in front of whom? The lines echo in my head - 'Ke more phirabe onador e/ ke more dakibe kaache...'
I tell myself in these times, that this too will pass. Just that, I don't how the wind will smell when it finally blows the pieces away...will it rain? When?
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