Something of Myself
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
It's been a long time since I lost my sleep. It happened last night. Smirnoff and coke did not help. Watching back to back Hrishikesh Mukherjee films did not help. Ran out of Gold Flake. Then...I tried to sleep.
The thoughts kept coming back. The face kept haunting me. The years. And then the present uncertainty. Not knowing where life is heading...not being sure of which boat to jump on...the pressure of you-have-to-jump-now-or-never. Whenever I have chosen a path and decided to stick on it, somehow, due to some unforseen conspiracy, I have been derailed.
I don't know what I can do...losing confidence, by the hour...losing faith...trust...everything that keeps a being focused on the important things in life. I know this is a phase and this too will pass...the usual cliches - there is light at the end of the tunnel...if winter comes, spring can't be far away...etc etc. But, why should life all labour be? Why should someone else decide my fate? Why can't people have the guts to stand up and OWN?
That said, if there one thing I can swear by, one thing that I can be dead sure about...it is the fact that I am going to keep trying. For giving up is never an option. They say, if you really want something, it comes your way...I know how much I want it. I can't bear to give up on myself. Not when I have set expectations of myself. I believe there is enough energy left in me to go down with a good fight - who knows, victory might just be around the corner? How shameful it will be, to go down, on my knees, sweat and all, a moment of panic, the end in sight...and then the pan shot of victory briskly walking towards me and I being unable to grab it. Behold the thunder, behold the waves, cut the crap, let's just do what we are good at - keep trying until God himself blinks.
There is many a slip between the cup and lip...and life is what happens when God blinks. I remain hopeful. In sleep, slumber and dreams.
The thoughts kept coming back. The face kept haunting me. The years. And then the present uncertainty. Not knowing where life is heading...not being sure of which boat to jump on...the pressure of you-have-to-jump-now-or-never. Whenever I have chosen a path and decided to stick on it, somehow, due to some unforseen conspiracy, I have been derailed.
I don't know what I can do...losing confidence, by the hour...losing faith...trust...everything that keeps a being focused on the important things in life. I know this is a phase and this too will pass...the usual cliches - there is light at the end of the tunnel...if winter comes, spring can't be far away...etc etc. But, why should life all labour be? Why should someone else decide my fate? Why can't people have the guts to stand up and OWN?
That said, if there one thing I can swear by, one thing that I can be dead sure about...it is the fact that I am going to keep trying. For giving up is never an option. They say, if you really want something, it comes your way...I know how much I want it. I can't bear to give up on myself. Not when I have set expectations of myself. I believe there is enough energy left in me to go down with a good fight - who knows, victory might just be around the corner? How shameful it will be, to go down, on my knees, sweat and all, a moment of panic, the end in sight...and then the pan shot of victory briskly walking towards me and I being unable to grab it. Behold the thunder, behold the waves, cut the crap, let's just do what we are good at - keep trying until God himself blinks.
There is many a slip between the cup and lip...and life is what happens when God blinks. I remain hopeful. In sleep, slumber and dreams.
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