Something of Myself

I.2

She left with traces of Poison in the room. He closed the door and lit up a smoke, as he placed himself on the armchair by the window. He could feel the heap inside. A heap of fragments. Of unfulfilled longings. Of wishes he never could articulate. Chunks of anger which needed an outlet. He took a drag and made a few rings. Was it too late to reach out?

As he wondered, the phone rang. S- was at the other end.

'Hey, what's up? Long time no hear. I am in town. Want to meet up tomorrow?'

'Glad you called. I have been thinking of you, but could not reach you.'

'Is everything ok? You sound unlike yourself. What's the matter?'

'Everything is fine. Don't worry. I am ok. Let's meet. Can you do today?'

'Ok. How about 9 o'clock at the What If bar?'

He paused for a second. It was three years since he last visited the What If bar. It used to be his favourite place - once, his hunting ground.

'I will see you at the bar.'

He got up and pulled a pair of denims. He wore a deo, cleaned his specs and donned a tee that said 'I belong to Me'. He got to the elevator, and then the car, and sped away towards the bar.

It was ages since they got together. Best pals they were at one point. Perhaps they still were - he wasn't too sure. Friendship is like a well oiled machine. You oil it, it runs fine. You stay away from it, it rusts. But the beauty is, he thought, that with them, the idea of 'distance' was non-existent. It did not matter if they never spoke for 6 months; it did not matter if they did not meet for 1 year (or even longer); it did not matter that he never invited him for his anniversary party; it did not matter if he ducked his way out of the uni reunion - friends, like them, were inseparable. For they had travelled far and wide, together, for years. There was something permanent about them - the sort of permanence that he missed in his life. Questions were never asked. Conversations poured like aged whiskey.

He parked in the shopping lot and started walking towards the bar. As he entered he looked around to see if S- had arrived. He checked his watch. It was 9 o'clock sharp. He was never late. But S- always was. So he sat at the bar and ordered himself a large JD with coke - 'On the rocks please, and please get the coke separately. Thanks!' Both of them loved JD and coke. It was 'their' drink. The taste reminded him of times well spent.

He checked out the women as he waited at the bar.

S- walked in and nodded at him. S- was always like that. No hand shakes, no hugs - just a look, or a simple nod. He came and settled himself.

'New glasses huh?', he said with a tinge of smile.

'Yeah. Some passions die hard.'

'What are you having?'

'Same old, JD and coke.'

He smiled in approval. 'Can you get me another of his drink please?'

'Don't you think this place has become really loud? When was the last time you were here?'

'Yeah, now that you mention...It's been a while.'

The waitress got his drink - 'How many?', she asked pointing at the ice bucket. 'Five please.'

She dropped the cubes, winked at him and went away to serve another customer.

'CHEERS brother - to us!'

They raised a toast.

'So tell me, what's new?'

'Guess who I met today?'

'Who?', he said, with a disgusting look (how would he guess)!

'V- was at my place couple of hours back.'

S- was silent. Then he managed to say - 'V-???'

'Yeah. It was good to see her.'

'What the fuck does she want?' He was always like this - aggressive and protective at the same time. He knew what she had done to his friend. He knew that his friend was at fault too, but he chose to side with his friend for he never liked her to begin with...

'Nothing. She is working here. Divorced. Perhaps, just thought of getting in touch.'

'Is her divorce the reason why she was here to meet you? She wants to get laid, does she? Or does she want to ruin your life all over again?'

'Oh come on dude, it's not that.'

'Then what is it bastard. Explain. I am not liking where this conversation is going...'

'Relax. We ain't thinking of getting back together or anything. Just good to see her man. Lot of memories came back. Some good one, some bad ones - like Denver would say!'

'Keep it to that. Keep it in past tense. Unless of course, you have fallen in love with her all over again.'

'No, no! Nothing like that. It's hard to explain. Look, you know we were made for each other. We loved each other dearly. But then, something went wrong. Circumstances. For that you can't just blame her. She played the whore. I played the dog. That does not take away the moments away.' As he was saying this, he could feel a lump in his throat.

'You getting emotional about it?'

'No. I am not. I won't. I don't look back, you know that. People I uproot, remain uprooted forever. Good, bad, ugly - that's how it is. I just sometimes wonder, what if we had opened a dialogue? I mean, I tried on several occasions, but she was closed, in her shell. And finally, when she turned around, it was too late for me. But I honestly feel bro, that if we had tried to talk to each other, a lot of boundaries would have dissolved. Things could have worked out.'

'Yeah, and I could have been the freaking Queen of England, and you could have opened with Sachin Tendulkar. So what dude?'

'Nothing. Just a tingling sensation somewhere in the corner of my heart, that I failed. And nobody wants to look in the mirror everyday and hear himself saying LOSER.'

'Look, I seriously don't understand why you are revisiting your past, especially when you don't plan to undo things.'

'It's not in our hands S-. We cannot undo. There is a set of circumstances in which we operate. I am not saying destiny, but we are bound by circumstances. Perhaps, we bring it upon ourselves...but after that,we don't have much of a choice. Given the circumstance, communication was ruled out. We then chose to go our ways. That my friend, is the fact and this is the way it will remain.'

S- was quiet. He had finished his drink and ordered for two repeats.

After taking the first sip, he spoke:

'Life is not the boardrooms we frequent. We don't have weekly meetings to take stock of emotions, successes and failures. There is no boss sitting above you to warn you of a crisis. So, the point I am getting at is that you got to move on. Don't get stuck in thoughts. You wooed her. You won her. You lost her. It's over. Why are you behaving like an infant who has just realised that his dear toy is in pieces? Whatever I know of you, you still have your head on your shoulders. You have a rocking career in front of you. Why put unnecessary pressure on yourself?'

'I know what you mean. I am not putting pressure. But in life, it is not always so easy to just 'move on'. Life moves. You don't. Often. Almost always. You move when life choses to move you. From one square to another.' [to be continued...]