Something of Myself
Friday, October 02, 2009
I saw it coming. I knew you kept lying to me. I am to be blamed as much. I kept pretending as if I did not know anything. And you? You just thought we'll squash the moth at the fag end of the hour! How convenient?!
This is something I DESPISE. You paint me roses and then go and fetch lilies. You say red all the while we are at the store and come back with green. Why can't people be honest about things? About their own feelings? About their intentions? About desires? Why hide? What is at stake?
I DESPISE people interfering in my life. I like to live on my own. I have absolutely no qualms with the word 'solitary'. Why should I?
There is so much anger inside me now. Anger at being led the wrong way. Anger at barking up the wrong tree.
And so you will be delighted. At my cost. Hit the floor, down the martinis, chomp on the steak and who knows where it will lead to. Worse still, even if you don't do any of these things, I would be still hurt as much. Why? Because you lied to me. All the way. I can live with an impulsive lie - crafted by instinct to wriggle out of a situation. Or a deliberate lie, only to be explained later. But a well thought out, 'planned' lie, now that is something way too much for me to handle. It nauseates me. I feel the bile in my mouth. It does something to me. I cannot explain.
You see you can hide emails, text messages, chats, wall posts on FB but you cannot hide your desires. I see through them. You cannot be pretentious - it's not your forte, or is it? Did I miss out something here? Have you evolved while the sun was shining and the cows were away?
I have failed to master such skills. I think I should go back to the workshop. I should start working at myself. This me is going to be fooled all the time. This me is too soft. This me will be walked over. I cannot allow this. It's not part of the oaths. I will not accept things for the sake of keeping things alive. I do not function that way. I wear my heart on my sleeve and expect others to do so. I told you, I am to be blamed as much in this. But the question is, how long? I won't change. And I won't ask you to change. It's too late now. But I won't pretend to not see through your lies. Not anymore. Life's too expensive for that.
You did what you had to. Now wait for the sting. Sorry dear, life's just got to be fair.
This is something I DESPISE. You paint me roses and then go and fetch lilies. You say red all the while we are at the store and come back with green. Why can't people be honest about things? About their own feelings? About their intentions? About desires? Why hide? What is at stake?
I DESPISE people interfering in my life. I like to live on my own. I have absolutely no qualms with the word 'solitary'. Why should I?
There is so much anger inside me now. Anger at being led the wrong way. Anger at barking up the wrong tree.
And so you will be delighted. At my cost. Hit the floor, down the martinis, chomp on the steak and who knows where it will lead to. Worse still, even if you don't do any of these things, I would be still hurt as much. Why? Because you lied to me. All the way. I can live with an impulsive lie - crafted by instinct to wriggle out of a situation. Or a deliberate lie, only to be explained later. But a well thought out, 'planned' lie, now that is something way too much for me to handle. It nauseates me. I feel the bile in my mouth. It does something to me. I cannot explain.
You see you can hide emails, text messages, chats, wall posts on FB but you cannot hide your desires. I see through them. You cannot be pretentious - it's not your forte, or is it? Did I miss out something here? Have you evolved while the sun was shining and the cows were away?
I have failed to master such skills. I think I should go back to the workshop. I should start working at myself. This me is going to be fooled all the time. This me is too soft. This me will be walked over. I cannot allow this. It's not part of the oaths. I will not accept things for the sake of keeping things alive. I do not function that way. I wear my heart on my sleeve and expect others to do so. I told you, I am to be blamed as much in this. But the question is, how long? I won't change. And I won't ask you to change. It's too late now. But I won't pretend to not see through your lies. Not anymore. Life's too expensive for that.
You did what you had to. Now wait for the sting. Sorry dear, life's just got to be fair.
