Something of Myself
Thursday, August 30, 2007
She sat on the chair.
Tiny.
Waiting for her mother to finish.
She was having pizzas,
A barter.
'Mamma promised to take me to the pool tonight. I can't wait.'
Innocent.
Untouched.
Unaware.
Not knowing how much Mamma goes through...
How guilty she feels to keep her waiting on that seat
Where strangers play with her hair
And sick adults look at her chest.
Wonder if she will ever know how much her Mamma loves her. How much she hates to be away from her.
To not be present.
Today, tomorrow or day after.
Mamma cries.
So does she.
Love remains.
In fragments.
Moments caught between time.
Like the pizza after school...
Tiny.
Waiting for her mother to finish.
She was having pizzas,
A barter.
'Mamma promised to take me to the pool tonight. I can't wait.'
Innocent.
Untouched.
Unaware.
Not knowing how much Mamma goes through...
How guilty she feels to keep her waiting on that seat
Where strangers play with her hair
And sick adults look at her chest.
Wonder if she will ever know how much her Mamma loves her. How much she hates to be away from her.
To not be present.
Today, tomorrow or day after.
Mamma cries.
So does she.
Love remains.
In fragments.
Moments caught between time.
Like the pizza after school...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
It's been a long time since I lost my sleep. It happened last night. Smirnoff and coke did not help. Watching back to back Hrishikesh Mukherjee films did not help. Ran out of Gold Flake. Then...I tried to sleep.
The thoughts kept coming back. The face kept haunting me. The years. And then the present uncertainty. Not knowing where life is heading...not being sure of which boat to jump on...the pressure of you-have-to-jump-now-or-never. Whenever I have chosen a path and decided to stick on it, somehow, due to some unforseen conspiracy, I have been derailed.
I don't know what I can do...losing confidence, by the hour...losing faith...trust...everything that keeps a being focused on the important things in life. I know this is a phase and this too will pass...the usual cliches - there is light at the end of the tunnel...if winter comes, spring can't be far away...etc etc. But, why should life all labour be? Why should someone else decide my fate? Why can't people have the guts to stand up and OWN?
That said, if there one thing I can swear by, one thing that I can be dead sure about...it is the fact that I am going to keep trying. For giving up is never an option. They say, if you really want something, it comes your way...I know how much I want it. I can't bear to give up on myself. Not when I have set expectations of myself. I believe there is enough energy left in me to go down with a good fight - who knows, victory might just be around the corner? How shameful it will be, to go down, on my knees, sweat and all, a moment of panic, the end in sight...and then the pan shot of victory briskly walking towards me and I being unable to grab it. Behold the thunder, behold the waves, cut the crap, let's just do what we are good at - keep trying until God himself blinks.
There is many a slip between the cup and lip...and life is what happens when God blinks. I remain hopeful. In sleep, slumber and dreams.
The thoughts kept coming back. The face kept haunting me. The years. And then the present uncertainty. Not knowing where life is heading...not being sure of which boat to jump on...the pressure of you-have-to-jump-now-or-never. Whenever I have chosen a path and decided to stick on it, somehow, due to some unforseen conspiracy, I have been derailed.
I don't know what I can do...losing confidence, by the hour...losing faith...trust...everything that keeps a being focused on the important things in life. I know this is a phase and this too will pass...the usual cliches - there is light at the end of the tunnel...if winter comes, spring can't be far away...etc etc. But, why should life all labour be? Why should someone else decide my fate? Why can't people have the guts to stand up and OWN?
That said, if there one thing I can swear by, one thing that I can be dead sure about...it is the fact that I am going to keep trying. For giving up is never an option. They say, if you really want something, it comes your way...I know how much I want it. I can't bear to give up on myself. Not when I have set expectations of myself. I believe there is enough energy left in me to go down with a good fight - who knows, victory might just be around the corner? How shameful it will be, to go down, on my knees, sweat and all, a moment of panic, the end in sight...and then the pan shot of victory briskly walking towards me and I being unable to grab it. Behold the thunder, behold the waves, cut the crap, let's just do what we are good at - keep trying until God himself blinks.
There is many a slip between the cup and lip...and life is what happens when God blinks. I remain hopeful. In sleep, slumber and dreams.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
In my university days, I was often labelled as 'Mr Feminist'...I am not sure if I am one, but every now and then, I keep wondering about women and issues that affect them. I was at it again today....just a little while ago...while reading the newspaper.
For women, all over the world, is there nothing else to aspire for except getting married and making babies? Is that the sole reason of their existence or have we (men and women) inculcated this sense over centuries? Even today an unmarried woman is looked upon as being weird, or 'not right' or 'defective'...Such epithets abound for such women. In fact, I just realised how swiftly I wrote 'such women.' Proves that in our society, even today, they are the ones who have strayed away from the 'norm' and hence deserve to be classified. But why? Why can't a woman be single, and not marry and not have any babies? What's wrong with that? Surely, if a man does that, he is still considered to be 'normal' and at times even labelled as being 'focused' on his career...Strange, isn't it?
Next, why can't a woman have sex in equal terms to a man? Why is her sexual desire/promise a taboo? Why is it that exploring her sexuality is equal to an almost 'natural' sense of guilt? What's wrong with sexual freedom?
I am sure there are many other men who would agree with me but then my thoughts, my words, my lines would hardly do anything to bring about a change...I wonder who can (if anybody at all).
I wonder if there will be a time when women will walk on the same plain as men. If they will be allowed to walk alone, on their own terms. If 'mankind' will be replaced by 'womankind'...Then again, if they did, how threatned will we feel? How comfortably will we go to bed, knowing that the morning will bring with itself changing times, where men will be men, but women will also be just that - women! A time when we will cease to classify them as either mothers or whores.
We are making bombs that can wipe out cities...even countries...We are inventing medicines that can eradicate the deadliest of diseases...We are discovering our biological identity, stepping onto the shoes of the Creator...All this and much more, while in our own backyard, after work, there lives a woman who has been a wife, a mother and has not given herself a chance to do anything else. For the absence of choice. Because we made the decision for her.
I feel ashamed to have a pair of balls between my legs.
For women, all over the world, is there nothing else to aspire for except getting married and making babies? Is that the sole reason of their existence or have we (men and women) inculcated this sense over centuries? Even today an unmarried woman is looked upon as being weird, or 'not right' or 'defective'...Such epithets abound for such women. In fact, I just realised how swiftly I wrote 'such women.' Proves that in our society, even today, they are the ones who have strayed away from the 'norm' and hence deserve to be classified. But why? Why can't a woman be single, and not marry and not have any babies? What's wrong with that? Surely, if a man does that, he is still considered to be 'normal' and at times even labelled as being 'focused' on his career...Strange, isn't it?
Next, why can't a woman have sex in equal terms to a man? Why is her sexual desire/promise a taboo? Why is it that exploring her sexuality is equal to an almost 'natural' sense of guilt? What's wrong with sexual freedom?
I am sure there are many other men who would agree with me but then my thoughts, my words, my lines would hardly do anything to bring about a change...I wonder who can (if anybody at all).
I wonder if there will be a time when women will walk on the same plain as men. If they will be allowed to walk alone, on their own terms. If 'mankind' will be replaced by 'womankind'...Then again, if they did, how threatned will we feel? How comfortably will we go to bed, knowing that the morning will bring with itself changing times, where men will be men, but women will also be just that - women! A time when we will cease to classify them as either mothers or whores.
We are making bombs that can wipe out cities...even countries...We are inventing medicines that can eradicate the deadliest of diseases...We are discovering our biological identity, stepping onto the shoes of the Creator...All this and much more, while in our own backyard, after work, there lives a woman who has been a wife, a mother and has not given herself a chance to do anything else. For the absence of choice. Because we made the decision for her.
I feel ashamed to have a pair of balls between my legs.
Friday, August 03, 2007
She thought him to be the ultimate 'man' that ever could be. A man who stood on principles, was driven by empathy and had the grace to submit when at fault...
-----------------------
She was the sweetest thing I had met. Naive. Untouched. But one evening, one slight touch, the absence of the touch sealed it all...
-----------------------
She was now on her death bed. Inching towards finality. He could not see it any more. He tried every trick in the book - due visits were made to the temples, mosques, churches...You know how human beings tend to grab the oddest sense of hope when there is none. He was doing just that.
------------------------
She did not do much. She just got close. His breath on her shoulders. Hers on his. Can't qualify as adultery, can it? He was pained. The memory remained. And it sting like a bee. He told me.
------------------------
She gave everything up because he made her dream. How fragile are human relationships...the give and the take...the song and the music...the peaks and the troughs...the rise and the fall...the wax and the wane...as if all cosmos has conspired to ensure parallelism, unwantingly...unknowingly.
-------------------------
Life's like that. These days I get very little time to pen down my inner thoughts. But when I look back, look within, I remain motionless. Comfortably numb perhaps at the absence...
-------------------------
Tumi robe nirobe, hridoy momo....tumi robe nirobe...
-----------------------
She was the sweetest thing I had met. Naive. Untouched. But one evening, one slight touch, the absence of the touch sealed it all...
-----------------------
She was now on her death bed. Inching towards finality. He could not see it any more. He tried every trick in the book - due visits were made to the temples, mosques, churches...You know how human beings tend to grab the oddest sense of hope when there is none. He was doing just that.
------------------------
She did not do much. She just got close. His breath on her shoulders. Hers on his. Can't qualify as adultery, can it? He was pained. The memory remained. And it sting like a bee. He told me.
------------------------
She gave everything up because he made her dream. How fragile are human relationships...the give and the take...the song and the music...the peaks and the troughs...the rise and the fall...the wax and the wane...as if all cosmos has conspired to ensure parallelism, unwantingly...unknowingly.
-------------------------
Life's like that. These days I get very little time to pen down my inner thoughts. But when I look back, look within, I remain motionless. Comfortably numb perhaps at the absence...
-------------------------
Tumi robe nirobe, hridoy momo....tumi robe nirobe...
