Something of Myself
Monday, January 15, 2007
Know Thyself
Ever since my school days, I developed a fondness for the phrase - 'Know Thyself'. As with any other individual, I have been through the waves and the tides, the highs and the lows and I have forever made an effort to delve deep inside the inner being that sits, crouched, stunted by the hand of Fate.
I have realized that I have grown up to become two distinct individuals in one. Therein lies my fascination for the Janus God. One head towards the past, one towards the future. The thing that you see at the outside is the one that is looking forward - determined, self-willed, ambitious, and daring. The one that you do not see is tired, forlorn, old, weak in heart and strong in will. Both collide melodramatically, often leaving me suspended in a state of disbelief. In more ways than one, the outer being is the one that has become and is becoming. The inner, formed; stable, contended, fulfilled and wise.
I don't know if I will ever be able to know myself. This blog became a tool to that end. This became a space where different me(s) struggle and fight valiantly to kill each other to seek an unified vision of myself. Something of Myself.
It is not as bleak as it sounds to be. Amidst the pain, the battles that we fight everyday, I think there is so much to learn in this life that remorse and regret play tug-of-war for every inch. On good days, I have smiled because I believe that is the only way to move on. On bad days, I have searched for reasons for the loss I incurred. On good days, I have forgotten myself, my identity, and drank life to the lees, following words from one place to another - in search of something permanent. On good days, I made an attempt to understand the why(s); on bad days, I kept questioning why not?! On good days, his laughter made me fall in love with him, again and again and again; on bad days, I wondered why I turned a blind eye on his caustic indulgences.
I am constantly learning. Trying to learn more and more in a very short time. Perhaps that's why He has made such a man out of an infant child. Perhaps that's why I am what I am - a bundle of contradictions, sensations, ambitions, and aberrations.
The journey has just begun. Just when you blinked and started reading this line. Yes, that fine moment that goes un-noticed million times a day, that is when I begin to search and reconcile the selves that live in me. Yes, that is where I become a part of you. Unknowingly. Unwantingly. Unashamedly.
Ever since my school days, I developed a fondness for the phrase - 'Know Thyself'. As with any other individual, I have been through the waves and the tides, the highs and the lows and I have forever made an effort to delve deep inside the inner being that sits, crouched, stunted by the hand of Fate.
I have realized that I have grown up to become two distinct individuals in one. Therein lies my fascination for the Janus God. One head towards the past, one towards the future. The thing that you see at the outside is the one that is looking forward - determined, self-willed, ambitious, and daring. The one that you do not see is tired, forlorn, old, weak in heart and strong in will. Both collide melodramatically, often leaving me suspended in a state of disbelief. In more ways than one, the outer being is the one that has become and is becoming. The inner, formed; stable, contended, fulfilled and wise.
I don't know if I will ever be able to know myself. This blog became a tool to that end. This became a space where different me(s) struggle and fight valiantly to kill each other to seek an unified vision of myself. Something of Myself.
It is not as bleak as it sounds to be. Amidst the pain, the battles that we fight everyday, I think there is so much to learn in this life that remorse and regret play tug-of-war for every inch. On good days, I have smiled because I believe that is the only way to move on. On bad days, I have searched for reasons for the loss I incurred. On good days, I have forgotten myself, my identity, and drank life to the lees, following words from one place to another - in search of something permanent. On good days, I made an attempt to understand the why(s); on bad days, I kept questioning why not?! On good days, his laughter made me fall in love with him, again and again and again; on bad days, I wondered why I turned a blind eye on his caustic indulgences.
I am constantly learning. Trying to learn more and more in a very short time. Perhaps that's why He has made such a man out of an infant child. Perhaps that's why I am what I am - a bundle of contradictions, sensations, ambitions, and aberrations.
The journey has just begun. Just when you blinked and started reading this line. Yes, that fine moment that goes un-noticed million times a day, that is when I begin to search and reconcile the selves that live in me. Yes, that is where I become a part of you. Unknowingly. Unwantingly. Unashamedly.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Untitled (yet another time)
Ever wondered how it would be if we would have a set date for our deaths? Assume you know when you and your beloved ones are going to die. January 05, 2000. July 18, 2010. 27 August 2007. Would it make it more bearable if death were not uninformed and sudden?
I think it would make our lives beautiful. Why? Because we would then make that extra effort to make the most of it and treat every individual with much more respect. We loose too much time fighting over trivial things. We do not respect time. We feel we have a lot of time on our hands. Would you be the same individual if you knew you would die in another year or two? Would your priorities be the same? Would you treat your children the same way? Would we still be the hypocrites that we are?
We humans have an incredible knack for taking things for granted. Knowing the finality of each one around us would erode that take-for-granted feeling. But then, it would also be such a burden to carry. The burden of truth. The burden of time.
Would history be written otherwise if this were to happen? Personal histories of individuals that make up our world.
It's the beginning of another year. So much to achieve. So much to chase. So much to give up. So little time. Ever wondered how it feels to constantly run out of time? As if the world is moving so rapidly, that your fastest move still keeps you at the rear end. I feel out of place. Like an alien. I know some of the faces, some of the feelings that these people experience, but my efforts at bridging distances, and reconciling troubled worlds are washed away by the sluggish nature of my efforts. At times, I feel numb. Spears don't hurt. Words do. At these times, I think of the final farewell. It could be knocking at the corner you know. It could happen at this moment. I feel a sense of loss. Defeat at not being able to bring smiles on the few faces that mean so much. That will always remain my biggest regret.
But then, not everything is accomplished in this life. Some facts you learn to live by. Some truths haunt you till you die. Some questions remain unanswered. Some lies uncovered.
Ever wondered how it would be if we would have a set date for our deaths? Assume you know when you and your beloved ones are going to die. January 05, 2000. July 18, 2010. 27 August 2007. Would it make it more bearable if death were not uninformed and sudden?
I think it would make our lives beautiful. Why? Because we would then make that extra effort to make the most of it and treat every individual with much more respect. We loose too much time fighting over trivial things. We do not respect time. We feel we have a lot of time on our hands. Would you be the same individual if you knew you would die in another year or two? Would your priorities be the same? Would you treat your children the same way? Would we still be the hypocrites that we are?
We humans have an incredible knack for taking things for granted. Knowing the finality of each one around us would erode that take-for-granted feeling. But then, it would also be such a burden to carry. The burden of truth. The burden of time.
Would history be written otherwise if this were to happen? Personal histories of individuals that make up our world.
It's the beginning of another year. So much to achieve. So much to chase. So much to give up. So little time. Ever wondered how it feels to constantly run out of time? As if the world is moving so rapidly, that your fastest move still keeps you at the rear end. I feel out of place. Like an alien. I know some of the faces, some of the feelings that these people experience, but my efforts at bridging distances, and reconciling troubled worlds are washed away by the sluggish nature of my efforts. At times, I feel numb. Spears don't hurt. Words do. At these times, I think of the final farewell. It could be knocking at the corner you know. It could happen at this moment. I feel a sense of loss. Defeat at not being able to bring smiles on the few faces that mean so much. That will always remain my biggest regret.
But then, not everything is accomplished in this life. Some facts you learn to live by. Some truths haunt you till you die. Some questions remain unanswered. Some lies uncovered.
