Something of Myself

too tired. still struggling to finish kim. and then take on PL. played cricket today. was rough. ankle gone! i am so out of form! but no worries, we'll get back!
sorry need to go to bed now. baba/ma called. they are ok. really worried about thesis statement and that fucked up 2000 word essay! balls to those who devise such means to torture poor souls.....

i saw LOC today. got irritated by its romantic songs but the documentary effect of it left me still... afterwards i read up on the capture of the hills and the bravery of the soldiers and the tragedy that befell their families. its hard to know this by reading the newspaper columns. for the government and for the media and for the public, they make up numbers: 20 killed on tiger hill, 4 casualties in drass sector etc. but for thier families, they were real humans, of flesh and blood. and their display of nationalism or bravery or call-it-what-you-like will never be completely understood because it never can. i can never even faintly imagine facing bullets from 20 yards distance, balancing myself on a cliff, or some rocks at -15 degree temp. and then dying. and even when death looms over you, throwing a grenade or stabbing the motherfuckers. you got to be there to imagine it. you got to do it. pakistan is a major pain in our ass. and the govt makes full use of this, draws votes by its anti-pak slogans and then sends these poor soldiers to face bullets with a load of primitive artillery! welcome to india! if only netaji stood his ground, if only we had a military dictator ruling us, life would have been different. but hey, kargil happened in 1999, most people just remember the war. nobody remembers the lives. the numbers. only their families do.

comparatively, my life is made of roses. food to eat, heater to keep me warm and the choice to do what i want. i dont live by chance. but i wish i killed by profession! only for the country!

lazy day. bunked seminar. said i pulled my hamstring. bullshit. tried to study....didnt happen. went to sleep! sleep is my refuge from pandaemonium (probably spelt it wrong)...baba called. great to talk to him...even if its for 20 seconds. shukla is right: no replacement to the human voice. miss ma these days. never realised that i love (or is like?!) her...
kipling is going great guns. got a fantastic book on the rhetoric of english india by the same title. read kipling's travel writings on "calcutta" - "the city of dreadful night." hmm kipling mohashoy, tumi ekta chagol. tomar dosh nei. tumi ENGLISH: firang. bideshi.
ami bhaat bokchi. so time to go back to some more work.....oh yes, btw i still cant stop thinking about the elusive australian babe...is she aussie? or is she turkish? or is she english? hybridity? empire's child. :)

second shot at doing this....weekend was ok....terrible quandary...to be or not to be...to do or not to do...had a bit of fever. now back on track: kaaj kaaj and more kaaj....kipling...empire...subversion....milton...paradise lost.....relationship? huh! time nahi hain apun ke paas...door se acchi hain...paas nahi jana mangta....v sleepy...no sleep for 2 nights....just about 3 hours....so i go and god bless this blog! and dont forget me.........talked with ashi after a long time though and she was her "old" self for a change. felt good.

ki je hocche mama kichui bujhte paarchi na. milton fries my brain. why did creation need to be sooooooooo long? have a break, have a kit kat! :)