Something of Myself
Monday, July 26, 2004
Two Beds and...
I have been looking for this song for the last 4 hours today and I couldn't find it on the internet
:(
It's a Savage Garden number - Two Beds and a Coffee Machine. Its been on my mind since last night. Don't know why! I even tried to buy it off iTunes, but that fucker doesn't seem to like people who live in UK. Christ! Never mind, not many days left - after 18 days, I will play it on my Sony system and put it in "repeat" mode. :)
Nothing much happened this weekend apart from packing - I won't even get to the process cause it's fucking disgusting - I mean I even had my bills that were from the year 2000. Wow - should I call it organisation or should I call it a product of being a lazy slacker? ;)
I am feeling so nervous about my trip. Don't ask me why cause I don't know myself - all that I know is this feeling of nervousness deep down inside. Maybe it's because I am going "home." Maybe it's because I am going to India.
India does that to me. I hope it does something different when I set my foot on the runway. As usual, the first thing I am going to do is take a deep breath and smell the air. Then I do something which I can't say in this blog *grin*
Anyways, got to go now - have to go for a farewell dinner kind of thingy with some of my flatmates / classmates. Things we do to be a social animal...
I have been looking for this song for the last 4 hours today and I couldn't find it on the internet
:(
It's a Savage Garden number - Two Beds and a Coffee Machine. Its been on my mind since last night. Don't know why! I even tried to buy it off iTunes, but that fucker doesn't seem to like people who live in UK. Christ! Never mind, not many days left - after 18 days, I will play it on my Sony system and put it in "repeat" mode. :)
Nothing much happened this weekend apart from packing - I won't even get to the process cause it's fucking disgusting - I mean I even had my bills that were from the year 2000. Wow - should I call it organisation or should I call it a product of being a lazy slacker? ;)
I am feeling so nervous about my trip. Don't ask me why cause I don't know myself - all that I know is this feeling of nervousness deep down inside. Maybe it's because I am going "home." Maybe it's because I am going to India.
India does that to me. I hope it does something different when I set my foot on the runway. As usual, the first thing I am going to do is take a deep breath and smell the air. Then I do something which I can't say in this blog *grin*
Anyways, got to go now - have to go for a farewell dinner kind of thingy with some of my flatmates / classmates. Things we do to be a social animal...
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Haunting is what Past is.
I have tried so hard. You weren't meant to be here, now, at this moment. But you are. I had put you away in the farthest corner of my brain and you keep coming back! Some shirts that I wear remind me of you, some songs I hear remind me of your moves, the after-shave reminds me of your intense hatred for it...thousand miles apart you still haunt me! I don't even know where you are today, what you do for a living - are you alive? Sometimes I fear that you are dead. Burned. Reduced to ashes. And then...I hope you are not. I hope you are still living.
Your existence is very important to me not because I miss you or anything but because I want to show you what I am without you. No more lonely nights. No more fears of deception. I played the role that you wanted me to. I am done with my part. Now I want to see how you play your role.
Sometimes I fear that when I will be walking on the Calcutta roads, I will bump into you - shocked and with the steady rise of the bile I won't be able to smile. I might even see through you. Will I be able to do that, I wonder. Can I do what you did to me?
My mind wants to. My soul refuses.
You must be alright. Just leave me alone. These memories are worse than nictotine, worse than the burning feeling that I experience when I flush my mouth with a double shot of Black Label. It all began in an effort to wipe you away. I wanted a tide that would wash away the words you had written on the sand.
The ocean is dry.
I have tried so hard. You weren't meant to be here, now, at this moment. But you are. I had put you away in the farthest corner of my brain and you keep coming back! Some shirts that I wear remind me of you, some songs I hear remind me of your moves, the after-shave reminds me of your intense hatred for it...thousand miles apart you still haunt me! I don't even know where you are today, what you do for a living - are you alive? Sometimes I fear that you are dead. Burned. Reduced to ashes. And then...I hope you are not. I hope you are still living.
Your existence is very important to me not because I miss you or anything but because I want to show you what I am without you. No more lonely nights. No more fears of deception. I played the role that you wanted me to. I am done with my part. Now I want to see how you play your role.
Sometimes I fear that when I will be walking on the Calcutta roads, I will bump into you - shocked and with the steady rise of the bile I won't be able to smile. I might even see through you. Will I be able to do that, I wonder. Can I do what you did to me?
My mind wants to. My soul refuses.
You must be alright. Just leave me alone. These memories are worse than nictotine, worse than the burning feeling that I experience when I flush my mouth with a double shot of Black Label. It all began in an effort to wipe you away. I wanted a tide that would wash away the words you had written on the sand.
The ocean is dry.
I got this as an email forward. Normally I HATE forwards, but this one touched me. I thought I should share -
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there maybe in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good termswith all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen toothers, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoidloud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If youcompare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, foralways there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoyyour achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your owncareer, however humble; it is a real possession in the changingfortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for theworld is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtuethere is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life isfull of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity it isperennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of years, gracefullysurrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit toshield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself withimaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond awholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of theuniverse, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to behere. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe isunfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever youconceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in thenoisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham,drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Becareful. Strive to be happy.
- Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there maybe in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good termswith all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen toothers, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoidloud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If youcompare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, foralways there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoyyour achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your owncareer, however humble; it is a real possession in the changingfortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for theworld is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtuethere is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life isfull of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity it isperennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of years, gracefullysurrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit toshield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself withimaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond awholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of theuniverse, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to behere. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe isunfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever youconceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in thenoisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham,drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Becareful. Strive to be happy.
- Desiderata
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
- If by Rudyard Kipling
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
- If by Rudyard Kipling
Monday, July 19, 2004
Lotus Eaters?
Have you ever felt like the last tissue in your body was actually de-hydrating and plainly giving up? I feel like that right now. This thesis is a killer. I don't have any idea of how I am going to get through this...And the best is that after this there is the PhD, waiting for me with open arms - "Come in to get Fucked."
Ah, it's probably just my self-critical self speaking right now...probably my pessimist self...or may be even the Tennyson lover who loves the man not because he wrote Ulysses but because he asked -
Why should life all labour be?
Trouble is that I know that the yearning spirit will be back shortly...This time I don't want it to haunt me. I don't want to become a name for roaming with a hungry heart.
I am an ordinary human being. I use Colgate toothpaste. I smoke Gold Flake in India. I like to sit on the rock and engage myself in endless adda. I am a laid-back Bong who loves to eat mangshor jhol followed by an afternoon nap. I am no hero. It is so hard even to tread on the same path. That's why we need heroes...to look upto them...Not to try and become one...All this is really hard-hitting.
The hero, the follower, his dreams and their insatiable thirst.
Have you ever felt like the last tissue in your body was actually de-hydrating and plainly giving up? I feel like that right now. This thesis is a killer. I don't have any idea of how I am going to get through this...And the best is that after this there is the PhD, waiting for me with open arms - "Come in to get Fucked."
Ah, it's probably just my self-critical self speaking right now...probably my pessimist self...or may be even the Tennyson lover who loves the man not because he wrote Ulysses but because he asked -
Why should life all labour be?
Trouble is that I know that the yearning spirit will be back shortly...This time I don't want it to haunt me. I don't want to become a name for roaming with a hungry heart.
I am an ordinary human being. I use Colgate toothpaste. I smoke Gold Flake in India. I like to sit on the rock and engage myself in endless adda. I am a laid-back Bong who loves to eat mangshor jhol followed by an afternoon nap. I am no hero. It is so hard even to tread on the same path. That's why we need heroes...to look upto them...Not to try and become one...All this is really hard-hitting.
The hero, the follower, his dreams and their insatiable thirst.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Why I Am Mad About The Queen's Language
Read this excerpt in The Guardian; ended up in a sense of awe and pure, uncorrupted admiration for the language she uses (not to mention the imagery)- it is, let's say, exquisite:
What is desire?
Desire is a restaurant. Desire is watching you eat. Desire is pouring wine for you. Desire is looking at the menu and wondering what it would be like to kiss you. Desire is the surprise of your skin. [...]
Time has been here before us. History has had you - and me, too. My hand has brushed against yours for centuries. The props change, but not this. Not this single naked wanting you. [...]
I will cross continents of history and geographies of time. I will be the place where the story starts. [...]
My heart is beating. The second that beats between your life and mine. I am leaning over the water, but it's not my own reflection that I see, the water is too troubled for that. What I can see is the world turned upside down, a watery city, the mirror of the solid world that I have now. But everything solid is turning into its watery equivalent. There is nothing to hold on to, I shall have to let go.
There is something to hold on to. You have put out your hand. For the first time I touch your skin, skin close enough for grafting. Graft this moment on to time and take it with us when the clock starts ticking again, which will happen very soon. Time stops rarely and not for long. The door opens but no one can say when.
Make love to me. [...]
Open me. Pass through me, and whatever lies on the other side could not be reached except by this. This you. This now. This caught moment opening into a lifetime. [...]
- Jeanette Winterson, The White Room.
Read this excerpt in The Guardian; ended up in a sense of awe and pure, uncorrupted admiration for the language she uses (not to mention the imagery)- it is, let's say, exquisite:
What is desire?
Desire is a restaurant. Desire is watching you eat. Desire is pouring wine for you. Desire is looking at the menu and wondering what it would be like to kiss you. Desire is the surprise of your skin. [...]
Time has been here before us. History has had you - and me, too. My hand has brushed against yours for centuries. The props change, but not this. Not this single naked wanting you. [...]
I will cross continents of history and geographies of time. I will be the place where the story starts. [...]
My heart is beating. The second that beats between your life and mine. I am leaning over the water, but it's not my own reflection that I see, the water is too troubled for that. What I can see is the world turned upside down, a watery city, the mirror of the solid world that I have now. But everything solid is turning into its watery equivalent. There is nothing to hold on to, I shall have to let go.
There is something to hold on to. You have put out your hand. For the first time I touch your skin, skin close enough for grafting. Graft this moment on to time and take it with us when the clock starts ticking again, which will happen very soon. Time stops rarely and not for long. The door opens but no one can say when.
Make love to me. [...]
Open me. Pass through me, and whatever lies on the other side could not be reached except by this. This you. This now. This caught moment opening into a lifetime. [...]
- Jeanette Winterson, The White Room.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
There may be Heaven - there must be Hell.
Meantime, there is Life here. We-ell?
Ruddy Rocks! :)
Meantime, there is Life here. We-ell?
Ruddy Rocks! :)
Lot of work to do - i.e. reading. Will be back soon - got sloshed last night (as usual)...
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Cat and Mouse
You really think I was crying that night?
No, I just wanted to see how
You would embrace me if I were to cry.
You really think I was angry yesterday morn?
No, I just wanted to see how
You would calm the tempest if there were any tomorrow.
I have fooled you so many times,
So many occasions,
You kept on thinking I was what You saw.
No my dear, I am not what You see.
And I am sure You are not what I see -
Games we play with each other,
Foolish games to hunt one another.
But this is not a game that I play with You.
I just want to see what
You are when you are with me,
And I want to see what I can BECOME when I am with
You.
No, I just wanted to see how
You would embrace me if I were to cry.
You really think I was angry yesterday morn?
No, I just wanted to see how
You would calm the tempest if there were any tomorrow.
I have fooled you so many times,
So many occasions,
You kept on thinking I was what You saw.
No my dear, I am not what You see.
And I am sure You are not what I see -
Games we play with each other,
Foolish games to hunt one another.
But this is not a game that I play with You.
I just want to see what
You are when you are with me,
And I want to see what I can BECOME when I am with
You.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
In Angrezo ko samjhayo ke in logo ne hum pe 200 saal ke upar hukumat ki hain...ullu banaya hain hume...aur nahi chalega...Aab humari baari hain...Inke ghar main ghuske inko marenge agar inhone badtamizi ki to!
My biggest regret in life: ke main uss waqt paida nahi huya jab yeh sale kutte humare desh main the...tabhi inki band bajata! Maula Kasam inki........................
My biggest regret in life: ke main uss waqt paida nahi huya jab yeh sale kutte humare desh main the...tabhi inki band bajata! Maula Kasam inki........................
Vomit of Rage
Had a really, really horrible day today (so far)...First there was the teaching session. The students were like dumb fucks. They were like silent to every question I threw at them!! Phew! But it was ok I told myself, you can't always end up with a talktative bunch. Then there was this admin fuck up and I was trying to save the uni's reputation and what happened? Ah, to cut a long story short - I got fucked.
The trouble is you can't afford to be helpful and well-meaning towards this world - if you do, they fuck you - in and out, in and out in an unending cyclical way! Fine then, I'll fuck you back! I am no motherfucker to sit on my ass staring at your shrivelled, shrunken balls - You will face my wrath. What will you do? Fire me? Others will insult me, spread rumours about me, be-friend me??? Be my guest. I dont give a rat's fuck!
This is how I am. If you can't accept it then it's your problem. Go sort yourself out.
Man, this place stinks. But I know, in my heart, that I am right. When I am wrong, I am the first to put my hand up and accept it...and I also know (and call me stubborn if you will) that if I am right, then no cock-sucking, cum-guzzling fuck can make me apologise or nail me for something I am not responsible for!
Awed by my anger? Well then, that's another side of my persona - a rather necessary-evil-kind of side...But I just got told by one of my friends to "let go" of "it" and I think I will listen to her advice. Let go - Yes, but forgetting is not an option...To forgive, but not to forget...
Had a really, really horrible day today (so far)...First there was the teaching session. The students were like dumb fucks. They were like silent to every question I threw at them!! Phew! But it was ok I told myself, you can't always end up with a talktative bunch. Then there was this admin fuck up and I was trying to save the uni's reputation and what happened? Ah, to cut a long story short - I got fucked.
The trouble is you can't afford to be helpful and well-meaning towards this world - if you do, they fuck you - in and out, in and out in an unending cyclical way! Fine then, I'll fuck you back! I am no motherfucker to sit on my ass staring at your shrivelled, shrunken balls - You will face my wrath. What will you do? Fire me? Others will insult me, spread rumours about me, be-friend me??? Be my guest. I dont give a rat's fuck!
This is how I am. If you can't accept it then it's your problem. Go sort yourself out.
Man, this place stinks. But I know, in my heart, that I am right. When I am wrong, I am the first to put my hand up and accept it...and I also know (and call me stubborn if you will) that if I am right, then no cock-sucking, cum-guzzling fuck can make me apologise or nail me for something I am not responsible for!
Awed by my anger? Well then, that's another side of my persona - a rather necessary-evil-kind of side...But I just got told by one of my friends to "let go" of "it" and I think I will listen to her advice. Let go - Yes, but forgetting is not an option...To forgive, but not to forget...
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Lousy post - Lazy mind
Feeling so lousy today (not to mention the other "L" word). Got back from Swindon and Bath yesterday. It was good to see Percy as usual. I got thoroughly wasted. We even managed to have one of those conversations where you speak very few words and you know that the other person is at your wave-length. It doesnt happen with me often - only with some people whom I admire.
Bath was good too. Sammie started crying when she realised it was just thirty days left before I fly away. She is a weird girl, in a positive sense of the word. How can I explain her to someone who doesn't know her? She is bubbly, energetic, lively, and yet on the other hand, she is sometimes soooo like a tube-light! ;) But she is a great human being, with her heart in the right place. Her fears perplexes me. Her lack of confidence vexes me and her outright innocence charms me. Sometimes I really find myself in a confused state of mind about her. She's got stuff that I admire and stuff that I hate in others....and yet I don't know what she means to me...It's been two years now since I've known her and I still can't figure out how her brain works (or better still, if it works at all!) :)
Well, anyways, time to review my teaching plans for tomorrow...I hate these 13-14 year olds as students....They are such a pain in the ass! Phir kal se padhai! My penultimate chapter has to be handed in by the 23rd of this month! Dekhi ki hoy.....
The weather is typically British today. So is my mood. :)
Feeling so lousy today (not to mention the other "L" word). Got back from Swindon and Bath yesterday. It was good to see Percy as usual. I got thoroughly wasted. We even managed to have one of those conversations where you speak very few words and you know that the other person is at your wave-length. It doesnt happen with me often - only with some people whom I admire.
Bath was good too. Sammie started crying when she realised it was just thirty days left before I fly away. She is a weird girl, in a positive sense of the word. How can I explain her to someone who doesn't know her? She is bubbly, energetic, lively, and yet on the other hand, she is sometimes soooo like a tube-light! ;) But she is a great human being, with her heart in the right place. Her fears perplexes me. Her lack of confidence vexes me and her outright innocence charms me. Sometimes I really find myself in a confused state of mind about her. She's got stuff that I admire and stuff that I hate in others....and yet I don't know what she means to me...It's been two years now since I've known her and I still can't figure out how her brain works (or better still, if it works at all!) :)
Well, anyways, time to review my teaching plans for tomorrow...I hate these 13-14 year olds as students....They are such a pain in the ass! Phir kal se padhai! My penultimate chapter has to be handed in by the 23rd of this month! Dekhi ki hoy.....
The weather is typically British today. So is my mood. :)
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Our scars are there to remind us that our past is real - Thomas Harris
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
way to evade nervousness: jack daniel's and coke
way to escape pain: jd and coke
way to embrace success: jd and coke
way to forget everything: jd and coke
way to love: jd and coke
way to curse yourself: jd and coke
you get the point: the point is that there is no fucking point in living in this god forsaken country except jd and coke!
ciao! take care people of the world - live and let live: live fast and die young but love hard!
way to escape pain: jd and coke
way to embrace success: jd and coke
way to forget everything: jd and coke
way to love: jd and coke
way to curse yourself: jd and coke
you get the point: the point is that there is no fucking point in living in this god forsaken country except jd and coke!
ciao! take care people of the world - live and let live: live fast and die young but love hard!
My Inner Hero - Paladin!
I strive to help others, and to bring truth and harmony to the world however I can. Whether times are good or bad, you can always count on me. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a champion for the helpless, and an all around nice person.
How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero.
I strive to help others, and to bring truth and harmony to the world however I can. Whether times are good or bad, you can always count on me. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a champion for the helpless, and an all around nice person.
How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero.
Shit scared, nervous to my bones and a set of wet pants: that's what happens to me on the eve of taking a "class" a.k.a. teaching a group of boisterous, rebellious 15 year old teenagers. I hope I get it right tomorrow...
Monday, July 05, 2004
Alien?
Now that I am literally done with half of my blessed thesis, I am freaking out about how much I have to do before I leave for India. The whole paperwork of sorting out finances and bills is really driving me nuts. And of course then there are books - books for which I will give up my life but not sell them. I have about 200 books right now in my room and I have to move out of it completely because I'll be coming back to a different room! So storing luggage is also an issue.....
But never mind, these issues are trivial compared to the feeling of going back home after nearly two years. I am scared - scared of feeling like an "alien" in my own country, in my own city, among my own people...I hate that "Oh-he-is-phoren-return" look which normally relatives and likewise tend to give you! But that is true to a certain extent - much to my disliking. :( I can't remember the roads, the route from my house to Xavier's. Bhule Gechi...well, not exactly, its a bit blurred...like when you play your grandfather's vhs - I see India like that now. I am so used to seeing India on the net and on the telly (and of course Bollywood)...so used to seeing her like that, I feel she might even overwhelm me when I land! I guess its a price that you pay for trying to straddle two continents - the familiarity of the unfamiliar.
I still remember Rahamania (Chicken Biriyani and Mutton Chap - Slurp!).
I still remember the phuchkawala by the tubewell at the crossroad.
I still remember Gariahat and the teeming millions, bustling and jostling to get their hands on the last day of the Pujo sale.
I still remember Maddox Square and Northern Park and Md Ali.
I still remember the old man outside Archies who used to give me cigarrettes on "account". :)
I still remember some hazy nights at Some Place Else.
I still remember Oly Pub (the free chanachur with the alcohol is a bloody luxury - take it from me!)
I still remember the smile which my mother was wearing the last time when I was welcomed.
I still remember the twinkle in baba's eyes when he greeted me at the airport.
Did I ever mention anything about being an "alien" in my own country? Oh well, I contradict myself then...I think in too many ways! ;) That's me. Welcome to my world.
Now that I am literally done with half of my blessed thesis, I am freaking out about how much I have to do before I leave for India. The whole paperwork of sorting out finances and bills is really driving me nuts. And of course then there are books - books for which I will give up my life but not sell them. I have about 200 books right now in my room and I have to move out of it completely because I'll be coming back to a different room! So storing luggage is also an issue.....
But never mind, these issues are trivial compared to the feeling of going back home after nearly two years. I am scared - scared of feeling like an "alien" in my own country, in my own city, among my own people...I hate that "Oh-he-is-phoren-return" look which normally relatives and likewise tend to give you! But that is true to a certain extent - much to my disliking. :( I can't remember the roads, the route from my house to Xavier's. Bhule Gechi...well, not exactly, its a bit blurred...like when you play your grandfather's vhs - I see India like that now. I am so used to seeing India on the net and on the telly (and of course Bollywood)...so used to seeing her like that, I feel she might even overwhelm me when I land! I guess its a price that you pay for trying to straddle two continents - the familiarity of the unfamiliar.
I still remember Rahamania (Chicken Biriyani and Mutton Chap - Slurp!).
I still remember the phuchkawala by the tubewell at the crossroad.
I still remember Gariahat and the teeming millions, bustling and jostling to get their hands on the last day of the Pujo sale.
I still remember Maddox Square and Northern Park and Md Ali.
I still remember the old man outside Archies who used to give me cigarrettes on "account". :)
I still remember some hazy nights at Some Place Else.
I still remember Oly Pub (the free chanachur with the alcohol is a bloody luxury - take it from me!)
I still remember the smile which my mother was wearing the last time when I was welcomed.
I still remember the twinkle in baba's eyes when he greeted me at the airport.
Did I ever mention anything about being an "alien" in my own country? Oh well, I contradict myself then...I think in too many ways! ;) That's me. Welcome to my world.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Hell its great to be drunk and FORGETTING who you are, what you SHOULD do and what you SHOULD NOT. A jack daniel's and coke: past and present...confounded in one amalgamated mixture..
Anyways these are wild and wandering cries, confusions of a wasted youth.....
I wish I was like this forever - dropping all my masks, losing all my social identities...becoming for once the real ME....
Anyways these are wild and wandering cries, confusions of a wasted youth.....
I wish I was like this forever - dropping all my masks, losing all my social identities...becoming for once the real ME....
